August 3, 2005 1:17 AM
So I was on the 6 train this morning on my way to work, and I'm minding my own business reading my book. As I was flipping the page, my eyes wandered from the text to the floor of the train and fixated themselves onto a pair of some really ugly feet. Admittedly, my feet certainly aren't any objects of beauty. In fact, if I could replace any one (or two, I guess) part(s) of my body, it'd be my feet. I haven't yet heard of plastic foot surgery, but mine could use a lift and a tuck here and there. BUT I digress.
Back to the feet. I stared at these really awful feet, unable to turn away from the car wreck at the ends of her ankles, when I realized the worst part. These feet belonged to a WOMAN. Not only were they slightly dirty (grime caked between the toes, cracked but woefully painted nails, etc.), but her toes, oh the horror, her toes were these big, bulbous knobs splayed all over her J.Crew sandals.
I looked up to check out what this woman looked like when I was immediately distracted by a pair of MAN HANDS. This poor woman had MAN HANDS as well. We are all familiar with the classic Seinfeld episode in which Jerry is manhandled, and I couldn't help wondering what men felt like around her. I guess most men wouldn't give two shits if those hands were caressing the right (or the wrong, oh so naughty) parts. Then again, I don't think those hands are even capable of caressing; they are capable of clenching large objects in fist-form. I'm not even sure if her thumbs are opposable, or if they just hang lifeless at the sides of her palms like a cruel joke.
I'm probably going to hell for making fun of this complete stranger who I'm sure is a perfectly nice woman. But I suspect I'll be seeing quite a few of you there. Until then... goodnight.
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