October 8, 2005 11:25 PM
So I've discovered that dating, a good dating experience, requires much more than the minimal effort of sex and meals. I've discovered not only do I have to keep up my charming end of the conversation and look ravishing at odd hours of the day, but I have to learn football too.
As the dating situation progressed into the NFL season, I realized conversation wasn't going to happen unless it was about the cover two defense formation of the Ravens. I tried, at one point in life, to learn the game, to decipher the secret language grunted by 11 Neanderthals who wanted to pummel the 11 Neanderthals facing them. But I got easily confused then distracted. The only thing that held my interest was the tight end and the other 10 tight ends on offense. So one could understand my lack of enthusiasm for the onset of the football season. Until I met the Boy.
As soon as I expressed interest in learning the game (a final attempt to find out what attracted millions of Americans), The Boy immediately sat me down in what became an impressive display of patience and persistence. He was like a Mr. Chips or Professor Keating crossed with Joe Gibbs; he made me BELIEVE in football. He explained the game using riveting visuals such as the Eagles v. Chiefs game (great comeback by the Eagles), and during half-time, coins to represent the players. He detailed each position with a finger on the corresponding coin, moving it in hypothetical plays. And suddenly I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I understood the game. The game and I became one.
On Sundays you can find me in front of a TV, my eyes glued to the screen, yelling inane phrases, "That was SO a complete pass!" and occasionally, "Chad Johnson has a cute ass."
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